Top 5 Misses in 2006

2006 has been a great year for me, but there are a few things I wish I hadn't done:
1. Watched Fanaa - if you've seen it you know what I mean.
2. Eaten bhel puri at a tiny corner shop in Bangalore - they topped the bhel with peas masala curry !! ewww
3. Gone to CCD three times after I vowed never to ever go there after they gave me hair in my cold coffee - all the three times I regretted going
4. Stayed outside of the French Quarter on my last day in Pondicherry - anything outside the FQ is terrible terrible terrible
5. Washed a FabIndia rug - the black and white pattern went black and black

There were other wild, bizarre things. But I don't regret doing them! Muhuahahahahahaha

The long walk to the loo

I was going to title my Runa at Work omnibus The Long Walk to the Loo, but I can't wait that long to use this catchy title. I'll use it here cos it's apt.

When we moved to the new and much larger office building in Bangalore, one of the first things I noticed was how far the restrooms are from where I sit. I'd have to start walking five minutes before I absolutely needed to go, or I'd have to break into this embarrassingly eager sprint. To add to that is the shame of knowing that everybody knows just where you're headed when you start walking in that direction.

I faced the same ignominy at the Hyderabad office. The walk to the restroom is equally long, and of course I have to pretend to examine my cell phone so I don't have to look people in the eye and know that they know I go.

But by the third day I devised a strategy. The office is designed (but not for entertainment I assume) like a maze. The twists and turns are quite complicated and if I couldn't use as landmarks the little flags and stuffed toys that people had propped up, I'd be totally lost every time I left my desk. But this complex system of lefts and rights actually worked in my favour. I figured that if I take a different route each time I go to the loo, I would not come face to face with the same people more than once in a day. This way I wouldn't need to stare at my cell phone for no reason.

It works like a charm. I now smile and nod at people I pass en route. How do you do? Splendid day, isn't it?

The Expressive Indian

The average Indian uses 31 different facial expressions and hand gestures in a single day. These figures were compiled by the RSI (runa statistical institute) in Dec 2006. And these expressions and gestures change from region to region. Let us discuss the "asking a question" gesture.
In the North, it involves cupping and moving the invisible (and usually absent) contents of the hand repeatedly from side to side - YUCK! In the South, I've seen some people use the over-the-shoulder pointing thumb when they ask questions. Sometimes the question isn't verbalised - there's only the vigorous "look what's behind me" gesture! Now how am I to guess what that means? It's as removed a sign of questioning as my place in Hyderabad is from the office!
But by far the most bizarre gesture is the one that could mean "wait just a few minutes" or "give me five minutes" or even - when used by the guy who's cutting into the traffic line in front of you - "excuse the intrusion but there's nothing you can do anyway". It has the doer looking like he/she is testing the viscosity of a pear-shaped silicon implant (before the surgery, I must clarify!!)
Very disconcerting. Especially when used by the doorman of the restaurant that I want to dine at.

Is this me?

Look at what happens the minute my back is turned !!

This caricature was drawn from a photograph and a few people's (I'm yet to figure who) description of the kind of person I am.

So is this how everyone sees me?

Where's my nosering?

Look at the eyes and the hair!

What's with the smiley earrings?

And DIVA ???

What eet ees?!

Alt tab

This isn't really the dramatic escape pulled off in the Shawshank Redemption, but a nice-to-know piece of info that'll come in handy the next time you're in a five-star slammer.

The (bleeeep) hotel has a strange variation in the price of coke/pepsi within the hotel - the price of the coke/pepsi in your mini bar is almost double that of the same from prison room service.

Absolutely no reason for this kind of brutality, is there?

Here's the secret plan for revolt (so secret noone will even notice the revolt):

1. Drink up from the mini bar whenever you want

2. Order corresponding number of drinks from room service

3. Restock mini bar before warden's next inspection.

4. Pay lesser-but-still-hugely-inflated price

5. Smile on your way out into the sunshine

This really works. A recently released inmate told me.

Heave ho

I love Mocha, the coffee shop in Hyderabad and in Mumbai - but they should post a warning saying that cranes aren't available inside.

Those of you who've been there know that the floor seating is really comfortable with all the padded walls and plump cushions - but have you tried getting up after you've got a couple of chicken slovaki wraps and choco lattes in you? Mannn!! To top it off I was wearing a skirt and heels.

I spent the last half an hour that I was there worrying about how I would make a graceful exit. I was glad when most of the people around me left; but just when it was time for me to leave, in came a couple of guys who just had to sit at the next table. I came up with the best plan under the circumstances.

I swept my legs round to my side, knelt on the floor, and rose up off my haunches with some support from the coffee table. Luckily my skirt didn't get caught in my heel (like has happened before), and I managed to balance myself perfectly while rising (unlike what has happened before). I used to be known for my random rear-ending. Me hopes those days are behind me!

Suggestion to Mocha: Since the decor includes many brilliantly (read garishly) coloured things hanging from the ceiling, it wouldn't be too difficult to disguise a thick metal crane. Could just be painted gold or something. What would be better is if it were mechanised!

Wishlist

Quiet mind
Contentment in solitude
Clarity of thought
Self-awareness
Direction
Detachment
Closure
Time and space
Mind over matter
Mind over heart
Mind over people
Mind over myself

Most of all, Freedom from want

Written, produced and directed by Runa

This might not come out right. The conversation I am going to recount happened in two phases - the first in the office foyer between the security guard and a foreign visitor; the second, immediately after the first, just outside in the courtyard, between this foreign visitor and his equally foreign companion.
I wish for the hundredth time that I could record this and leave a link for you to click on and listen, but if you follow the stage directions and read out loud, some of the beauty of the moment might come through. Else, wait till you meet me - I'll enact.

Read the security guard's part out loud in a South Indian accent; and both foreign visitors' parts with a soft "t" like the "th" in teeth, and stress on the first part of the words. Make sure you intone the punctuation and the mood stamps that I've provided.

Guard: It will come in fifteen minutes.
Visitor # 1 (making sure he heard right): Fifteen minutes?
Guard (nodding earnestly): Fifteen minutes.

Visitor # 1 (like he finally has the answer): Fifteen minutes.
Visitor # 2 (hopefully): Fifteen minutes?
Visitor # 1(reassuringly): Fifteen minutes.

So why am I making a big deal of this conversation? Many reasons.
First, I love the succintness of it, and how the intonation conveys so many meanings from the same two-word phrase.
Second, the accents were so wonderful. Such differences in the pronunciation of the same words.
Third, the two visitors had similar accents, but were probably not from the same country (would they have been speaking English with each other if they were?), and definitely not from English speaking countries - so it was very interesting to hear them communicate with each other.
I love voices and accents and interactions between people. I wish I could turn this into work!

And if this didn't entertain you like it did me, well tish tosh !!

City on the rocks

I didn't realize how much I missed the Hyderabad landscape till I came back. I think it is by far the most beautiful city I have lived in in India, and I have lived in four.

I love the rocks, and the way many houses lie on the hilly slopes rather than cut into the incline; the way most roads have a lush, green plant-filled divider in the middle; the view you get from even the third floor of any building. I could look out onto these views for hours. It's good that I don't have a window where I sit in the office - I'd never get any work done.

It's sad that there is a dangerously high degree of quarrying going on. I fear that Hyderabad might soon be flat as any old boring place. But till then, I will enjoy finding and losing cell-phone signal when I'm travelling literally up and down Banjara Hills road # 1.

I've found one more thing that helps cure my blues.

There's a ghost in my machine

Have any of you ever felt persecuted by a machine? You know what I mean - some people can never get a printer to work, or fax machine, or something...
I'm terrorised by the anything-to-do-with-air-travel system. I thought it was co-incidence when two flights I was scheduled to take got cancelled one after another; but then another airline stopped servicing an entire route the day after I wanted to fly that way; and most recently, the ground staff of a third airline said that I had some payments due on a ticket that I had bought online through a credit card.
So what is this? NOT a co-incidence.
I think there's an evil brain in the system. Everything runs smoothly till it senses my name somewhere. And it goes, wait a minute. there she is, that little hopeful. let's give her something to remember us by.
And it goes MUHUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And all the independent whirring and clicking stops.
Every signal concentrates on me.
The troops gather.
Close in.
And without warning,
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT !!

We regret to announce flight XX XXX has been cancelled.....

Bruised Bananas

If you saw an advertisement that said "Do you suffer from Bruised Bananas?", what would you think?
Surely they aren't talking about the fruit!! Surely they aren't selling something that allows you to store the fruit without it turning black!!
I saw the ad in my gmail, but was too scared to click. Someone be adventurous and let me know.

no boy scout

i was the kind of child that studies one day before the examination. always managed to do well despite that, but methinks my past has caught up with me.
have to travel for work on monday, but dunno address of new office in the wonderful city of hyderabad.
i'm armed with phone number of colleague who's travelling separately, a number that might or might not be roaming!
my plan is to get there and figure things out.
oh, and i also don't know if a desk has been assigned to me. might have to stand for two weeks.

diagnosis # 13

every so often i am surprised at something new i find out about myself.
i learned in the past few days that i dislike change.
this from me! me who moved cities twice in the past two years; moved residence twice in the past one year; drawn into my life people who are as different from me as shatrughan sinha is from steven seagal -
i get used to something and i want to leave cos it scares me to depend on familiarity. so i move. and i hate it cos i know that it won't be long before i get used to that, and i have to move again.
what a strange, convoluted cycle! imagine moving cos you hate change.
i'm nuts.

replacement therapy

haven't found a cure for the blues but definitely have something that goes a significant way in making me feel better.
it's a spongy, cube-shaped, cream layered, cherry-covered little something that feels heavenly on its way down.
what's even better is if it's accompanied by a chocolate-swirled steaming mug of aromatic coffee.
like a good friend once said, if you want a warm comfortable feeling inside, get yourself a cappuccino. those mightn't have been the exact words, but the meaning is as close as can be.
none of this is a substitute for a kind word, but it sure is easy to turn to.

blues

been feelin rather blue lately - checked out what google had to say and i saw a sign. welcome to depression(.com) it said, and i said, "why, thank you kindly. it's a pleasure to be here."
i didn't visit that site despite the friendly welcome, though i did take a test elsewhere to see how much i knew about depression. i scored 81%. i know stuff.
of all the symptoms of depression that i found listed, i currently display the following:
- constant feelings of sadness, irritability, or tension
- a change in sleeping patterns, such as difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much
that's two out of a possible ten. well, i guess i'm not depressed then.

I'll just sing...

When her days all run the same
And she says she thinks she needs a change
Maybe your baby's got the blues

three strange things yesterday

1. on the drive from my place to my sister's, the auto stops at a traffic signal, and i hear a strange, low-pitched hnnananahnnannanahnanna emanating from the general directon of the auto driver; this accompanied by a rapid clicking. i don't see the driver's lips move, i don't see anything else in the vicinity that the sound could be coming from. the light changes to green, and the hnnananahnnannanahnanna stops. the next red light, the same low drone. it was definitely the driver, and i figure he was chanting something, and keeping count of the number with what sounded like that click thing from the Axe advertisement. weird.

2. a man on a bike wearing a helmet with a visor and everything; a white and grey office-type shirt; a saffron lungi; barefoot.

3. the security guard outside leena's place all wrapped up in a blanket, lying on a platform, with his head four inches above the ground propped up by nothing.

signs

when you come back from work and see clothes hanging on makeshift lines in the corridor to your apartment; and your kitchen light on, and more clothes hanging on lines; and you storm off towards your landlord's place to complain; and realize just in the nick of time, that you're on the wrong floor:
you're working too hard.